GRIEVING THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE.  PART 1

Every human being goes through seasons of loss due to the death of a loved one. Since death is inevitable, learning how to cope during the season of loss is important. Seasons of grief are difficult for both individuals who are mourning and those who take the role of supporting those grieving

One concern I get from people is what to say to a person who is grieving, how to behave around persons who are grieving, what they can do to help, and whether or not to answer the questions. Some even wonder if it is best to wait until the individuals in grief cope better before visiting them.

A friend narrated how they had it rough when they went to support a friend who had lost a brother. The deceased had been murdered. The grieving sister was so angry that she stood at the gate to ask anyone who was coming to condole with her to leave. My friend left but she was so confused. She wondered whether leaving was the right thing to do.

There are cases where the support network does not know what to do with the anger that the survivor is expressing. Other times the survivor is overwhelmed with their own anger. In such instances, it is okay for both to know that anger is a normal emotion when grieving and the only thing they need to do is learn healthy ways of expressing or supporting someone at this anger stage.

When a grieving person asks a friend to leave or shares that they do not want to be visited, it is okay to respect their privacy and not visit or just leave in case you had visited. As you leave, assure the person grieving that you are available should they need you.

In another instance, a grieving friend begged us to stay for the remaining three nights with her just to support her before she buried her parent. This was not possible clearly because we all had jobs and families to go back to. She simply could not understand how she was dealing with so much pain while we went on with our normal business.

This is another common phenomenon. In the grieving person’s mind, the world should stop enjoying life until the survivor is fine. Fun and laughter offend some people simply because they are doing intense grieving.

So what is grief? This is the emotional experience following a loss. Mourning is the process of expressing grief.

The people grieving doubt if their experiences are normal or abnormal while the people offering support are not sure of what to call normal. This causes confusion both to the person grieving and those supporting them. Many of the clients I have walked through grief keep hoping that they are not going crazy.

What are some of the normal behavioral and emotional responses to loss?

1. Bodily distress which may include headaches, running stomach, unexplained pain
2. Feelings of guilt because they could not do enough to save the deceased.
3. Preoccupation with the thoughts and image of the deceased.
4. Dreaming with the deceased – dreams point the grieving point to how far they have come as far as the grieving journey is concerned.
5. Emptiness and hollowness.
6. Blaming self or others for what the person grieving feels was not done and if it were done, the deceased would be alive.
7. A sense of loneliness makes the survivor not feel safe anywhere.
8. Feeling fatigued, tired all the time, and struggling to accomplish small tasks.
9. In cases where the deceased had been sick and in pain, the grieving person may feel some level of relief.
10. Struggling with thoughts of continuing what the deceased had started.
11. Tightness in the chest, throat and sometimes the stomach.
12. Weakness in the muscles, lack of energy and dry mouth.
13. Not understanding why people are happy and getting offended by those celebrating while you are grieving.
14. Sense of presence of the deceased or the fear that they will show up at night or when you are alone.
15. Emotional eating is done by eating junk and too much sugar.
16. Holding onto the objects that belonged to the deceased.
17. Changes in sleep patterns.
18. Keeping off social setups.
19. When the death is by suicide or murder, shame and more blame are involved. The people grieving are engrossed with thoughts of what they should have seen, understood or done to avoid the death.

These are indicators that you may need grief therapy to deal with the death of a loved one

1. Inability to function daily for many months post-death- functioning at lower levels is normal and acceptable however struggling to do basic things is an indicator that one needs help.
2. Panic attacks anytime the survivor remembers the deceased, hospitalization journey or death.
3. Extreme anxiety over the incoming phone especially when news of death were shared through the phone.
4. Unending blame around what the survivor did not do or what they imagine they needed to do to save the deceased.
5. Inability to get back to the social circles that the survivor enjoyed before the death of their loved one.
6. If the survivor has suicidal thoughts or ideations.
7. Is very angry towards people one imagines caused the death that they have a plan to revenge by hurting those particular people.
8. If the survivor has been waiting for the deceased to come back home and is actively doing certain things to wait on them. An example is, they still serve the deceased food and place it in a place where they kept food for the deceased while he lived, or when
9. they continue to ask everyone to vacate the seat that the deceased sat on.

Areas of concern for the survivor after the loss of a loved one.

1. What to do with the siblings. This is more for the firstborn or for the child who had been the support financially and emotionally for the child. This becomes a burden if one sibling is doing well in life and others were dependent on the deceased for survival.
2. There are concerns about who takes the roles that the deceased was taking and these roles are even harder if there are incomplete projects or continuing responsibilities over vulnerable members of the family.
3. If it is fair to be happy and enjoy life shortly after the death of a loved one. This one happens mostly happens if the survivor grieves the deceased within a short time and is able to begin to enjoy life. Sometimes these survivors question their love for the deceased.
4. Where the family had no cohesion, different members of the family get concerned about how the family will plan the way forward without proper interaction.
5. Fear of societal stigma when a loved one died by suicide.

By Joan Kirera – Family Therapist. For more visit www.joankirera.com: Facebook: joan kirera, YouTube: joan kirera

DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS – DYSFUNCTION ATTRACTS DYSFUNCTION.

This blog is special because Jeremy called me to ask if I could share his story so as to help any person struggling with dysfunctional relationships to find themselves, heal their own pain and raise children who will attract healthier people so that they stop generational relationship dysfunctions.

This is his story. Jeremy was raised by a stay at home mother and a father who was well accomplished career-wise. They were raised in a privileged setup where they enjoyed much more than what children in their neighborhood could afford. They also could afford holidays away from home and this provided more exposure to them as children.

The mother was a peacemaker who avoided conflicts with the father and also with the children. Instead of urguing, she chose silence. She always taught her children that they needed to learn how to make peace with the world and when things got tough, silence was wisdom. This is a dysfunctional part of his relationship he inherited from the mother.

The father on the other hand was vocal, a functional alcoholic and controlling. He insisted that things be done his way. This was made easy because he financed everything in the home and also made decisions for the family. Later, when Jeremy was 15 years and a first born of four, his dads alcohol intake got worse and Jeremy took up the fathers’ role of making decisions – only that he still depended on the father on the financial part.

As the father’s addiction progressed, he also started being both physically and verbally abusive.  At times when he abused the Mother or Children in public, they would make excuses for him. They learnt to tell the people around that it was the alcohol that made him aggressive because without it he was an amazing dad and husband.

By the time he was 20 years, he learnt to protect the mother from the father who had increasingly become abusive. He would ask that the father stops making noise to the family members when he came home drunk. For strange reasons the father would heed when Jeremy spoke to him.

When he was 26years and he wanted to start his own family, he considered marrying a woman who was busy working and building a career because he imagined that such would not be passive like the mother was. He indeed found one who was already a manager at the time, a go getter, one who was able to express herself well and these are traits that Jeremy admired.

As they began their family, they both rose to managing director and chief executive officer consecutively. They earned almost similar salaries with Jeremy earning slightly more. For many years, Jeremy felt like the father had resurrected in the wife because he experienced the wife the same way he had experienced the father in his first 10 years of life.

He later told his friends never to marry an accomplished woman because they would turn into being controlling. What he experienced was his parents’ relationship dysfunctions that was triggered by the wife. He had imagined the reason why she had been that way is because she had been a boss for so long that she did not know how to behave else way even at home.

She was constantly away and was emotionally unavailable both for Jeremy and the children. When she was home, she blamed Jeremy for everything that went wrong and purely depended on Jeremy for her happiness. He learnt to be silent in order to create a peaceful environment for the children. What he did not know at the time is, that he still created a model for relationship dysfunction just the same way his parents had modelled for him as a child.

When their first born was 8years, he asked the dad why he didn’t protect him against the mother because he felt the mother was very brutal to him. That is the time Jeremy realized that he had become what his mother was (passive) and his child had become him (helpless) when he was below 10 years. The wife on the other hand felt that if Jeremy had treated her well, she would have been a better mother.

Since he wanted better for his children, he began his journey of healing.  It begun when he understood that the issue was not just his wife but himself too, because he had behaved in a way that empowered his wife’s behavior to continue. At the time he shared his story with me, they had already had couple therapy and each had healed from their individual pain.  Their relationship at this point was more functional and the children felt more heard, loved and cared for.

This is a typical scenario for many marriages. Each member of the marriage blames the other for the challenges in their marriage without learning that functionality or dysfunctionality of the marriage is contributed by both partners and mostly because individuals attract each other at the level of their dysfunction. No highly functional individual attracts a highly dysfunctional person.

So what causes relationship dysfunction?

Rose Rosenberg puts it this way, all parents whether healthy or unhealthy provide their children with experiences and memories that will ultimately result in automatic relationship guide for their adult children relationships.

In his book “Love is a choice”, Dr. Hemfelt looks at each individual as one who has a love tank filled to some level. Each individual love tank was originally filled by the parents. Parents who are individually functional also have a more functional relationship – their love tanks are more filled and so they pour more to their children’s love tanks.

Dysfunctional individuals on the other hand attract other dysfunctional people, their relationship is dysfunctional and their love tanks are low. The children raised by these parents have very little on their love tanks and so they seem to attract people who can fill their love tanks.

Everyone desires harmony and love in relationships, However, people sabotage themselves by choosing a partner who they are initially attracted to but finally resent. This is because depending on anyone to fill your love tank is not sustainable. It results to relationship dysfunctions such as abuse.

How does dysfunction attract dysfunction?

Initially, parties in a relationship attract what they seem to lack in themselves or said differently, people attract those who have qualities they feel they are lacking in themselves. For example:

Passive people who find it difficult to self-start and self-motivate get attracted to those who are self-motivated, risk takers who are very directional. While initially this brings a balance, eventually the passive person ends up feeling controlled and resentful and yet they may feel the need to follow.

This creates a dysfunctional relationship and both need healing. This is clear in Jeremys story.

People who struggle with self-worth and self-confidence may initially attract people who have high sense of importance, self-driven who identify with power. While this may look admirable in the beginning, they end up feeling that their relationship partners only think of themselves and the levels of self-worth nose dive. To increase relationship functioning, both need healing.

Adult children who were raised being responsible for their parent’s emotions (a good example is Jeremy who learnt to protect the mother from being hurt by dad) end up attracting people who are emotionally unavailable or those they have to constantly fix them emotionally.  Jeremy attracted a wife who felt it was Jeremys responsibility to fix her emotions, make her happy. This is how dysfunctional relationships are maintained.

Children who lack parental love/are not able to bond emotionally with their parents later on in their lives attract partners who are over nurturing or over responsible. They continue to have unrealistic expectations on their partners expecting them to take both roles- that of spouse and the other of a parent. This causes role overload, resentment and lack of fulfilment increasing relationship dysfunction.

Children who felt unprotected by their parents may grow up to be dysfunctional adults who learn to overprotect and over shelter their spouses. These adults attract partners who have victim mentality. The dysfunctional relationship ends up picking many battles with the world that they end up losing important relationships that would have benefited them.

Whatever level of dysfunction that we have learnt from the family of origin needs to be acknowledged, unlearnt and new behavior relearnt. Without this, we will continue to attract dysfunctional partners who fit into our own dysfunctions. Until healing happens, safe feels unsafe and unsafe feels normal. The best gift one can offer themselves is personal healing.

By Joan Kirera – Family Therapist. For more visit www.joankirera.com: Facebook: joan kirera, YouTube: joan kirera

COPARENTING CHILDREN AFTER SEPARATION/DIVORCE OR IN CASES WHERE PARENTS NEVER GOT MARRIED.

I was seated playing with children and listening to their stories. When it was Karla’s turn to tell her story, she narrated how she had fun and enjoyed the many places that her daddy had taken her to tour. She told stories of places they had visited and how she felt sad having to leave dad after staying in his house for three days- after three days she had to come home to a mother who never liked her daddy.

Karla’s parents had separated when she was 6 years and mom had refused her to see daddy because he was not paying her upkeep on time. Mom had asked Karla to tell her daddy that he was not allowed to pick her until he paid her upkeep in advance. Karla felt sorry for the dad because he was good to her yet mom shared very bad things about the dad every time Karla enquired why daddy wasn’t picking her.

Whenever Karla got home, her mother wasn’t pleased with her because she would come crying and saying she wanted to stay more with dad. The mother had to talk with Karla asking her to stop being ungrateful for the sacrifices she made by wanting to follow the father who had been out of her life for two years and had only started co-parenting when Karla was 9years.

When Karla was calm, the mother asked her so many things about her dad –Did dad have any woman coming to his house? Did he frequently talk to anyone? In all those places he took you, were there any female friends who accompanied him? It was very difficult to answer these questions because; she did not want to betray dad and also did not want to lie to mom.

Some of these experiences from Karla are typical in many single parented families where co-parenting occurs. Co-parenting is the process where two parents work together to raise children even if they do not live together.

How can two parents co-parent peacefully?

Both parents need to avail themselves for the children.

When a couple separates/divorces or have never been married, children need both parents for proper development. No parent can take the place of the other. When a residential parent has not healed from the wounds of divorce, co-parenting becomes difficult because they expect their children to understand that the ex-spouse caused them pain and so not desire them as parents- that is very unhealthy because the nonresident parent is important as you- the resident parent.

The nonresident parent may also distance themselves from the children as they get busy with their new life, working, meeting friends or simply because they feel unproductive as parents. There is a temptation to feel like they are not making any contribution in the lives of children especially when children are well kept by the resident parent.

The visits by the nonresident parent communicate stability, wellness and worthiness to the children. When a parent withdraws, children are left wondering whether they did anything wrong, if the parents love them and this keeps them in a state of loss. Continuous grief not only affects child development but also keeps them in a state of instability.

How will co parents help their children from the feeling that one parent is better than the other?

While parents cannot fully eliminate this feeling in their children, they do not need to deliberately intensify it. What co parents need to do is not to compete for the position of better parent against each other, it is to show togetherness in parenting their children into productive adults.

Sometimes, the resident parent is caught up in the feelings of being overburdened with children responsibilities and while this may be factual, it does not mean the other parent is not doing their best. It only means that children cannot be in two places at the same time. When a resident parent feels overwhelmed and over-burdened, they need to find a safe space to ventilate. Sharing with your children only makes them lost for who to be loyal to between you and the non-resident parent.

The non-resident parent may feel the need to compensate their lost time by providing more entertainment, providing more junk food and allowing children to get away with indiscipline. This is more harmful than beneficial. What children need from the non-resident parent is to be loved and to be valued and this is possible with just the parent being available to play, interact and do things both the parent and children enjoy.

To avoid extremes in parenting, let co-parents agree on the basic parenting rules such as the discipline methods to be used, sleep times, methods of entertainment and also the kind of meals to be given to children. These simple rules provide consistency to the children.

How do co parents deal with conflicts without affecting their children?

Co-parents need to bring the spousal relationship to an end and remain with only parenting relationship. This means that no parent needs to rely on the other for emotional support, or for the meals, laundry for companionship, for daily updates etc. While feelings of sexual attraction resurface from time to time, acknowledge them as normal but do not act on them.

To help make co-parenting relationship more defined, method of communication should be agreed, when and how to communicate needs to be clearly agreed too. Unannounced visitations and unexplained calls are very damaging and the source of conflicts because the one being visited feels violated in terms of their private space.

Unless in cases where reconciliation is being sought, do not spend time discussing relationship progress with your ex-spouse, the new man or woman in their life or if they are dating and preparing for marriage. While it is natural to get hurt especially if your ex-spouse is getting married, it is healthy to acknowledge that they are not the ones hurting you- it is just that such development makes you begin the journey of grieving the lost relationship all over again and this time to someone else.

Keep away from gossip that is usually passed by the people around the circles of a co-parent.  This gossip can cause bitterness and resentment and make co-parenting impossible. Make deliberate decision to handle your ex-spouse with respect, when you feel they do not deserve your respect, remind yourself that your children require healthy parents.

How do co-parents support their children to deal with loss?

Co-parents need to grieve their own losses and heal. It is only a healed parent who has capacity to support a child long term. In the initial stages when the co-parents are grieving, it is okay to open the channels of communication where you allow children know that it’s okay to feel bad about the divorce, it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to miss the non-resident parent, it’s okay to miss their friends (incase the location has changed) and that from time to time, you too miss your ex-spouse.

It is okay to allow the children to talk and ask the questions that bother them. Answer as honestly as possible without giving adult information. An example would be, when a child asks about the other parent’s new family, just let them know Dad or mom loved someone else and therefore started new family with them. Information such as daddy had infidelity issues on mum or mum was cheating on daddy is too complex and damaging to the child.

When children volunteer to take the role of mediator during conflicts, thank them but do not allow them. Let them know that the co-parents will work around things and that they (the children) do not need to worry. Do not refuse the co-parent from visiting the child because they have delayed upkeep-your children need the stability the other parent brings and so they do not understand such details.

Do not mistake children’s tantrums, bedwetting, defiance, withdrawal as rebellion that deserves punishment. One parent leaving the life of the child is hard enough, what they need is to be listened to and supported. Ask them what is making them sad, throw tantrums etc. Let them know unless they communicate you may not know how they feel. When they share validate their feelings and assure them you are there for them. If they do not share, be patient with them.

When you feel that the behavior is persisting, calmly remind the children rules and let them know the consequences should they not follow. Do not make them feel guilty if they are happier on the days of visitation by the non-resident parent. Do not allow self-doubt on your abilities as a parent, unless you have good reasons for that. Allow the children to go through their process, their own way.

When you realize that the children are not improving and that after separation, there are significant changes, and the child is not making positive progress, have them taken through the healing process by a professional therapist.

By Joan Kirera-family therapist. For more visit www.joankirera.com: Facebook: joan kirera, YouTube: joan kirera

SEX IN MARRIAGE – PART 1.

IS SEX AN ISSUE IN MARRIAGE?

One day while attending some group workout in some public space, I got to hear so many stories about how lack of flexibility is a “sex killer”.  The lack of flexibility is a story for another day.

One particular man spoke about how he was going to divorce the wife because for three months, he had not had sex with her and before then he would get home, find the wife asleep, wake her up for sex, and she would simply turn and the man would do his thing, ejaculate and sleep.

In his narration, he complained of the wife calling him a stranger because he came home late. To him, as so long he got late working to provide for the family, he had no issues.  By and by each of them got busy. The Husband working and wife raising children and that is how they stopped engaging in any other topic but that of children and the needs of the home.

There are many couples who are as dissatisfied just like this man because sex is not happening in their marriage. Some of these couple believe it is the only reason why the two got married and sex the only thing that should not stop happening in the marriage.

While I agree that sex is very important to human beings, I also acknowledge that it does not exist in a vacuum. Satisfactory sex needs to have other areas of a marriage functioning. Satisfactory sex works consistently where there is quality relationship, the bond between the sex partners is good and conflicts are resolved and not carried forward.

In John Gottman words, sex needs to be about passion, ability to connect as well as communication as opposed to skills and techniques. When it is about skills attention is paid on erection and time spent on penetration and if or whether orgasm is achieved or not.

While good skills and techniques are important, they are simply not helpful, they may not produce satisfying sex or even emotional bonding thereafter. For a couple in a marriage or those enjoying a lasting relationship, the process is equally important as the skills.

Common myths about sex

1. All women have/need multiple orgasms
2. That all women need penetrative sex to orgasm
3. That all women squirt.
4. That any sexual contact should lead to sex
5. That a hard penis and its performance define the quality of sex
6. That the bigger the penis, the better the performance.
7. That the longer a man lasts in penetration, the better the sex.

Sex is a creative art that the two people involved need to build. Before working on the sex positions and new techniques, ask yourself the following questions.

1. Do we have a sense of belonging with each other?
2. Have we resolved all our issues as a couple?
3. Does my partner or myself have any unhealed painful sexual experiences?
4. Are we comfortable with our particular gender?
5. Do we love our bodies?
6. Are we free to express ourselves and our needs to our partner sexually?
7. Do we have freedom to try new things that we have not tried before/make the journey adventurous and enjoyable?

When one answers no to these questions then there need to be communication on the areas that need adjustment. This again may be a hard task depending on the way the couple was socialized. To some talking about sex is something they learnt shouldn’t happen because either sex issue was taught with so much shame to them or it was a topic never to be discussed.

While too much sex or lack of it is believed to be a cause of marital problems, sex challenges represent more than just one issue in marriage. They represent unresolved issues, lack of emotional bonding, faulty beliefs and attitudes towards sexuality and inability to communicate sexual needs.

Beliefs and attitudes held about sex.

The perspectives that different people have when it comes to sex originates from the sex education in their younger life and the sexual experiences they have had. Those who were taught that sex is Gods special gift to the married seem to be having more positive view point to sex.

Those that were taught that sex is bad manners, a bad thing, were not expected to feel or talk about sex, or whom any sexual behavior attracted ridicule, being shamed or punished, seem to struggle through sex and even feel some level of guilt or shame while engaging sexually even in a marriage setup.

To explore further, it helps to reflect on the following questions. Who first taught you about sex/sexuality? Was sex a topic your family could freely engage in? were questions on sex and sexuality answered? Did your parents and other adults close to you show love and affection? Did you have someone to talk to if you had sexual feelings towards a friend, classmate etc.?

These will provide you with the attitude and beliefs that you hold and probably point you to their origin. Does the attitude you hold enhance pleasure or reduce it? Should you find yourself stuck, then it’s important to seek help. Having pleasurable sexual experience is what each person involved needs.

In a group discussion on sex issues among women, A Lady shared that she could not initiate sex, has never initiated and thinks she will never initiate. Asked the reason behind her stand, she said that what she was taught from young age is that it was immoral to have sexual needs or even urges and that when they came about, she was supposed to ignore them.

She had learnt to ignore her sexual needs, a practice she continued to do in marriage. Further, she believed that speaking her sexual needs or even initiating sex in her marriage would have her integrity questioned and feared she’d be thought of as a whore.

Lady B shared that she had been given sex education by her mother who spoke about sex in normal tones, with no shame, as a precious gift from God, as a special gift and special gifts were to be considered and treated as precious.

She had embraced and seen sex in that perspective and when she got married, she was ready to explore and enjoy the gift of sex. These would freely talk about sex right from premarital stage. In their marriage, it became normal to dialogue around sex just like any other area. She confessed to reaching orgasm almost in all the sexual encounters.

Lady C complained to have never experienced an orgasm and that her sexual life was marked by pain, vaginal dryness and sorrow. Whereas they seemed to manage all other issues with ease, Sex created so much tension between her and her spouse.

Asked how she got introduced to sex and by who, she mentioned that she had been abused by their gardener who severally forced himself on her. He parents worked far from home and had tasked the gardener to be opening the gate and house for her when she came from school. This molestation started when she was 6 years and continued until she was 12 years.

Despite having always used lubricants, She had never experienced any form of pleasure. She suffered two sexual dysfunctions: lack of desire for sex and inability to orgasm. She felt that the marriage would have been more enjoyable without sex involved.

How to communicate about sex

Be patient when raising sex topic because most people come from backgrounds where sex is not openly spoken out and therefore may find it difficult or shameful to discuss sex

Most people feel sexually vulnerable. Do not therefore criticize your partner but rather help them know how you like things done.

Do not take it personally when your partner shares what sexually turns them on or off. It is about them, not about you. Let understanding your partners needs remain the goal.

Compromise; – Accommodate each other. How many times you would like to have sex, how each of you love things done etc. needs to be discussed and considerations done for each member.

If these tips are not improving your marriage life, then it is possible that you may need to let go some of those past experiences that hinder satisfying sex or seek services of a Sex Therapist.

By Joan Kirera-family therapist. For more visit www.joankirera.com: Facebook: joan kirera, YouTube: joan kirera