SUPPORTING A GRIEVING PERSON

June 23, 2019 | Loss and Grief | Written by Joan Kirera

Grief is the psychological-emotional experience following a loss of any kind such as bereavement, abandonment, divorce, miscarriage or loss of an unborn baby. It is the exact process followed by a person diagnosed with terminal illness.

Bereavement is the loss of a loved one through death. I will talk about grieving when one loses a loved one through death. The loss is not just about the person but also the loss of the roles that person played in our lives, loss of the privileges they brought into our space, and to some it is loss of huge benefits like provision or protection.

One may ask, why then understand grief? This is because each of us will face grief at some point or we will be needed to help our friends and loved ones as they grieve.

Death is the only thing in this world that no one is prepared for. When we invest well and write wills, we are just making it easy for the people we will leave behind. That does not mean that we are ready to die.

Proper preparation however does not eliminate the pain of separation when death occurs. No one is prepared to let go the ones who are part of our lives and that is what makes the process of grieving even harder. That said, there is no formula for grief.

Signs that you have not grieved some loss, or a loved one well

Having heavy emotions when we see photos of what we lost or who we lost, when we find ourselves thinking we can never find anyone who equals to the people we lost, when we feel the need not to do anything that can hurt them (hurting the dead), when we imagine that if the people we lost were present all things would be better, when we feel totally incapacitated without the deceased’s support.

Listening to a sad story from someone else and feeling extremely overwhelmed by emotions and even responding as though it were your personal story. An example is a spouse who faced domestic violence and was able to leave the marriage. While leaving is a good thing, grieving the loss is very important. Failure to grieve leads to a likelihood to react to other violent relationship with personal feelings as though you were the victim, relating to your own past violent relationship.

A woman who lost her husband to another woman is likely to insult or become very bitter with a man who has an extramarital affair even if that man is a stranger. A person who didn’t grieve a loved one will cry at the death of anybody, even in a movie that features a death scene. Someone can get overwhelmed during a funeral of someone who was not even close and could even collapse, because of not having grieved the loss of a loved one well.

Harmful statements to make to a grieving person

1. "It's God's will" – Even if you believe so, let the grieving person be the one to use this statement, not you.
2. "Their loved one is in a better place" – In case of death, you do not know that for sure.
3. "It is well" – Grief is a painful process. Nothing feels well when experiencing so much loss and pain, unless the grieving person believes so.
4. "God picks the best" – This can sound insensitive, as if God is pleased when people suffer. Such statements may cause some to become bitter with God or question His existence.
5. "God loved their loved one more, and that’s why He took them" – This may not bring comfort and could be misunderstood.
6. "Just let it go" – Letting go is a journey. The grieving person will reach that point in their own time.
7. "I understand you" – Even if you've grieved before, every person experiences grief differently. You cannot fully understand their pain.
8. "Don’t cry anymore" – Some may add, "Don’t you believe the Bible, that Christians don’t die, they just go to God?" Grieving people should be allowed to express themselves in their own way.
9. "Be strong for the kids" – In grief, personal wellness comes first. Unless the grieving person is well, they cannot take care of others. Let both the parent and children grieve in their own way.
10. Do not prescribe how you think they should grieve.
11. Do not compare their grief to yours or someone else's, saying how quickly others moved on. Everyone grieves in their own way and time.
12. Do not question their faith or make them feel guilty for grieving. In moments of pain, they need support, not judgment.
13. Do not challenge them to focus on other blessings they have. At that moment, they may not have the capacity to rationalize things until they have healed.

What not to do

1. Stop wiping their tears, just give them a handkerchief – Wiping their tears may make them feel uncomfortable and interrupt the grieving process. It may also communicate your discomfort and cause them to stop expressing their emotions. Only wipe their tears if you share an intimate relationship with them.
2. Do not separate the grieving person from other mourners when people begin to wail or cry – Let them fully experience the pain of loss. Acknowledging the pain is essential for healing.
3. Do not make decisions for them – Grief does not incapacitate a person. Avoid taking children away, rearranging their home, or removing personal effects of the deceased without their consent. While your actions may be well-intended, always consult with the grieving person before making any decisions on their behalf.

What to do

1. Allow the grieving person to grieve their own way – Let them cry, shout, wail, scream, or express their emotions however they need to. There is no right or wrong way to respond to an abnormal situation like death. Only intervene if they attempt to harm themselves or others, such as using knives, poisonous substances, or attempting suicide or homicide.
2. Be present as much as you can – Your presence alone communicates every good thing a grieving person needs. Continue supporting them even after the funeral. You do not need to say much; just being there is enough comfort.
3. Allow them to ask questions – They may question people, God, their spouse, or anything else. Let them express their thoughts without interruption. You do not need to provide answers; simply acknowledge their pain and let them know you are there to listen.
4. Be patient – Grieving individuals may sometimes act out in anger, become violent, or even insult those around them. If this happens, assure them that you will be there when they need you. Understand that emotional outbursts are part of the grieving process.

To the person grieving

1. Allow yourself to be supported – The feeling that "no one understands me" can be overwhelming. While it may be true that no one fully understands your pain, people can still offer love and care as part of their support. Avoid isolating yourself, as this can lead to depression and other mental health issues.
2. Know that no one is too strong for grief – Do not try to prove that you can manage everything on your own. Suppressing grief may lead to emotional overwhelm after the funeral.
3. Seek professional help if grief lingers for too long – If you experience frequent suicidal thoughts or feel like death is the only solution to your sorrow, consider grief counseling. Professional help can be very beneficial in navigating the grieving process.
4. Allow yourself to grieve – Grief comes with ups and downs. Some days you may feel okay, while others may be extremely difficult. As long as you are making small steps forward, there is no need to worry.
5. Dreams of the departed are not abnormal – These dreams are part of your mind processing denial. Once you move past denial, the dreams will naturally fade. However, if they continue for many years, it may indicate unresolved grief.

The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences one can go through. Do not feel like a weakling if you have to invest in grief counseling.

By Joan Kirera - Psychologist/ Marriage and Family Therapist.