JOAN KIRERA
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LIFE AFTER SEPARATION PART 2 - A REAL LIFE STORY

July 18, 2019 | Separation and Divorce | Written by Joan Kirera

What issues would you say led to the breakdown of your marriage?

The separation was as a result of a combination of factors such as:

  1. Poor communication
  2. Financial expectations. I can say that my wife and I had different expectations. She wanted a high life that I could not provide. I used to spend a lot on bills every month and that didn’t seem sufficient with her.
  3. Lack of trust
  4. No intimacy
  5. whenever there was a disagreement, she’d bringing back past mistakes that I thought we had already resolved
  6. Constant comparison of our marriage and that of her friends which made me feel my efforts were unappreciated
  7. Unresolved issues that kept popping up
  8. Pride-each one of us was chest thumping
  9. In-laws interference
  10. Secrets-I felt lied to and betrayed every time the secrets and lies told surfaced
  11. Towards the end of the marriage, I’d cook and wash for myself

How would you describe your wellness or lack of it before making the decision to separate?

Before separation, I was:

  1. Drinking heavily to cope with my challenges
  2. Stressed out
  3. Smoked a lot
  4. Took medicine to help sleep e.g. Piritons, Cetrizeine etc.
  5. Was not feeling like going home to my house
  6. Negative view of myself even when I was doing well in other areas
  7. I was losing myself- I was not sure of who I was anymore

What feelings did you experience after divorce?

I felt:

  1. Disappointed
  2. Heartbroken
  3. Lost
  4. Conflicted
  5. Uncertainty- Not sure if that was the right decision
  6. Regret- I felt the urge to go back but I reminded myself that, that would not solve the present issues
  7. Depressed- there were those very sad days

What made you feel you needed help?

After consulting a lot, I was advised to seek professional help. Probably people around me could see that I was not coping. Initially, I sought help from an unprofessional person who went and told my wife the things I had shared in confidence. I therefore decided to seek qualified and professional services.

In what ways have you found therapy Beneficial?

  1. I shared a lot, I spoke my heart out to someone who did not judge me, someone who respected my privacy and could not share my secrets. I vented a lot.
  2. We took the journey of my life since my childhood. This led to self-awareness. I discovered who I am and the reasons why I am the way I am.
  3. Self-awareness brought out the aspect of our uniqueness in marriage and also helped me to understand that my values define who I connect with well and who I find difficulties connecting with.
  4. Due to therapy, am now a better man, better brother, am more confident and I think positively. Am also working towards financial savings

How did you help your child grieve?

We had one child and he is still young. He therefore doesn’t understand what happed, but when the time comes, I’ll talk to him about it.

How would you describe your healing journey?

  1. I am still going through the healing process. The journey has not been easy. I sometimes experience pain when I think about what happened.
  2. I keep myself busy with work. I talk/share my experience with people who care to listen. By talking to people, I always feel better.

Say something about moving on and being productive

  1. I haven’t moved on 100%. I am still in the healing process. My productivity level is still low. I sometimes get break and melt downs.
  2. I have found solace in church, praying and reading positive messages.
  3. Have incorporated new hobbies like cooking, travelling car racing-am now a speed enthusiast (training to become a semi pro rally driver).

Do you have any co-parenting challenges?

  1. Seek professional pre-marital help and marital therapy when the relationship is not satisfying and even when the other party will not agree to go this route to help, still do it for your personal benefit. You are better off a healed person than when struggling with some burdens.
  2. I miss my son sometimes especially now that I don’t see him on a daily basis, something I was used to before.

What lessons have you learned?

  1. Lesson learned is that marriage is not for everyone and also that it is better a broken relationship than a broken marriage. It pains and hurts to have a failed marriage so it is better to take time before getting into marriage.
  2. Seek professional pre-marital help and marital therapy when the relationship is not satisfying and even when the other party will not agree to go this route to help, still do it for your personal benefit. You are better off a healed person than when struggling with some burdens.

By Anonymous, Courtesy of Joan Kirera - Psychologist/ Marriage and Family Therapist.