FOUNDATIONAL ISSUES IN MARRIAGE
One of the things that I love to do in life is to listen to people who are on their journey of searching or finding their relationship partners or are just about getting married. What I find interesting in these conversations is how these people have high expectations of each other. While it is human to expect, it is important to learn to meet individual needs and also learn how best to communicate and negotiate where you expect your needs to be met by the other.
Karen, one of the people I met while on safari shared how she had been happy being single and had travelled for many years alone but that season she had felt different. She had experienced such levels of loneliness and needed to consider some level of partnership.
I was curious of what would be important to Karen in matters partnership. She mentioned that all she needed was someone who loved life, was willing to be a companion and someone they would support each other. This was logical at this point. I wondered if the expectations would change is she met that special someone.
On another occasion, I met Tim who mentioned that they would go to the village and find some girl who had just completed O level, utmost 19years and bring that girl home so that he could shape her into the woman he wanted. He had believed that a young girl was malleable and that he had capacity to make what he wanted out of her.
In one of the social groups I interacted with, I met Ziva. She was sure that if a man provided and loved her, that was more than enough foundation for the marriage. When I sought the meaning of love to Ziva, she explained love was being provided for, being treated with dignity, and compassion.
While I believe all these shared aspects are important, it is better to delve deeper in understanding what a healthy foundation of a lasting relationship or marriage is. I will share some of the aspects that would help a person create a solid foundation for a lasting marriage or relationship.
Respect and trust
When one speaks about another not respecting them, my question has always been what the other person did to made them feel that way. The answers are different for different people. At the end of that conversation, I seek to understand if the person who felt disrespected provides themselves with the same thing they expect from others.
If one has to expect another to regard them highly, then they have to do that for themselves. One has to treat themselves with dignity and offering space that is safe internally.
For some this foundation was set by the members of family that raised them. They were provided with a safe nurturing environment where their needs were met and this taught them to trust themselves and the people around them.
For some, the needs were unmet and they learnt that the world and those around them are not trustworthy. This level of distrust is projected to romantic partners which makes it harder for the couple to create a healthy foundation for their marriage.
When one has respect and trust for self, they understand what it looks like and they are able to tell another person with respect and trust. They are also able to communicate this one as a foundational issue. When respect and trust is reciprocal, it creates a safe environment for a couple to thrive.
Growth of individual members is promoted.
Human beings are dynamic and constantly growing. According to Maslows hierarchy of needs, certain needs have to be met for an individual to get to the level of self-actualization. If a relationship hampers growth and development of its members, those members will be stuck creating room for conflict in the marriage.
Statements such as I don’t want you to ever earn more than me because I want to be your provider, your salary is too small so just stay home and I will pay you, people who grow to xy level cannot handle a marriage, you will stop this and that if you want us to get married need to be interrogated.
Discussions need to be done around these statements to be certain that what one member needs to stop does not stop growth in other areas.
A good example is, if my patner pays me what I was earning so that I can stay home, how does that promote my personal growth? How does it promote my career growth? How does it promote my social growth?
In cases where there are internal insecurities, one member of a relationship may feel that supporting the other will leave them behind – as a result competition may become a source of conflict.
A quick way to tell that your individual needs are promoted is: there is curiosity when one shares personal matters, there is enthusiasm to share because one feels heard, there is encouragement to continue to grow.
Shared values
I meet people who get thrown off balance by those who lie, or lack consistency or struggle to keep time. In their dating, they realize that their date fails in a number of these things they deeply value yet they chose them because they pocess some good traits they enjoy.
Keeping someone because they pocess some traits one enjoys is a good thing only it doesn’t need to happen concurrently with violating a persons core values. Am not suggesting that one lets people go simply because they lack certain aspects, no.
I suggest that communication happens and the issues of concern be addressed. If the person doesn’t find anything wrong or anything that they need to work on, that a clear indicator that the misaligned values will become a point of conflict.
A number of marriages that have experienced extra marital affairs admit to the fact that there is some form of emotional affair, flirting, in appropriateness that they had experienced before marriage but they had thought that their partners would change. This and many others may be indicator that the values were mis aligned in the first place.
Pre marriage stage is good time to evaluate what values one holds and if the values do not align, it is important to interrogate if that is something you can live with. If it is not something one can live with, then it is something worth dialogue. If dialogue doesn’t resolve things, then letting go in good time helps.
The more the shared values a couple has, the less the conflicts, the better the foundation and the higher the possibility of a satisfying marriage. As people grow, values can change and changes happen in ways that most values are not shared, the possibility of that marriage thriving is minimal.
Effective communication
Effective communication involves sharing clear message and ensuring the message sent is understood creating satisfaction between the sender and the recipient.
Communication just as many other aspects are learnt right from the environment where one was raised. If the methods used were healthy, the people raised are likely to use healthy methods of communication. The vice versa is also true.
How do you know that one has unhealthy and in effective communication?
- Long periods of silence/ silent treatment when angry
- Inconsistency –example is there is communication when they are within proximity but they are inconsistent when away. It also happens when say for one month they are communicating well, then next two months they are on and off
- Passive aggressive – not able to share when they have issues but their actions speak aggression
- Expecting another to understand what is going through your mind even when it has not been communicated otherwise known as mind reading
Without effective communication, the foundation of relationship is unstable and the relationship cannot thrive.
Meeting each other’s emotional needs
Human needs range from emotional, physical, intellectual, career based, spiritual, recreational as well as personal needs. It is unrealistic to expect a partner to meet needs that are unknown to them.
In this piece I focus on emotional needs because one way a couple can create emotional bonds is by meeting each other’s emotional needs. Unless emotional bonds are solid, it is not possible to create a sense of belonging and create a stable foundation for the marriage.
Meeting each other’s needs works where each member is aware of their own needs and they are free to communicate with the other member. When there is good foundation, then the members find it safe to share their needs and they receive the support that stabilizes them in other areas of life.
I meet couples who believe they have good emotional bonds because they enjoy good sex. While good emotional bonds can lead to good sex, good sex alone is not an indicator of good emotional bonds.
In relationships when sex happens too soon before emotional bonds are formed, it may be difficult to form the bonds because the sex feels extremely connecting until couple begins to experience conflicts and sex can longer connect them.
How does a couple meet each other's emotional needs?
- Let an individual be aware of their own emotional needs
- Communicate the needs to their partner
- Have the partner do the same and meet their own needsCommunicate the needs to their partner
- Understand your partners love language and love them the way they love to be loved best as opposed how you love to love them.
- When needs are unmet, do not be reactive. That is aggressive communication. Openly communicate your feelings and how your unmet needs are affecting you as well as the relationship.
- Resolve issues as they come –unresolved conflicts leave many people emotionally unstable
- Openness and transparently is one way to create emotional stability. Where secrets exist, there is no sense of inclusion, no sense of belonging and emotional needs remain unmet.
By Joan Kirera - Psychologist/ Marriage and Family Therapist.